ugh!

As I sit here on my couch on this 17th of June, listening to Sara Evan's newest album Stronger, I think about what has been going on in my mind and in my life.  I really feel this album really speaks to my frame of mind and what I'm feeling right now.  Such talented people involved in this album.  I highly recommend it.

The last few days I have been feeling like crap.  Wednesday I ended up with a sore throat and a stuffy nose.  The throat was bothering more than the nose.  I can deal with a stuffy nose, sore throat is a little tougher to deal with.  Today, after going to bed last night at around 8, I feel much much better!  Just a slight tickle in the throat and an extremely runny nose. (and no, I am not chasing after it.  It can come home when she's ready.)

Emotionally I'm not sure where I'm at.  I have been feeling rather lonely, since I have seen Tim only once in the last month.  Phone calls yes but not the same.  If we lived in different places its more understandable, but we both live here!  I miss when we'd hang out on weekends, either just him and I, or him, Megan (his daughter) and I.  We haven't done that in a long time either...I've been feeling rather left out of his life.  I love him but I don't think that even that is enough to keep me hanging around.  I'm going to try and talk to him about it when he gets home from his dad's.  That's been bugging me too.  His dad has just given up.  His health has had good days and bad days.  The bad days seem to be outnumbering the good. So his sister and he are going to (hopefully) talk some sense into him.  Maybe them being there and it being father's day this Sunday will knock some sense into the old man.  I love him, he is such a funny, dear man.  I'd hate to see the world without him in it.  It would be like losing my own grampa.

Speaking of grandfathers, today is the 11th anniversary of my grandpa's death.  Its been a tough day over all, considering everything else going on in my life.  Even tho its been over a decade since my family lost him, the pain still feels pretty fresh.  You see, he got me in a way that it seemed that no one else did.  As a child, I was pretty shy.  I think partly because I was the youngest in a fairly well-known family.  I was always "somebody's something".  Examples, I was "Cheryl's little sister (by teachers and students), Joe and Debby's daughter.  So I didn't have much of an identity till I went away to college.  Grampa got me.  He and I could sit together and not talk but still enjoy each other's company.  I loved him more than just about anyone.  Even to this day I feel that way.  On my seventh birthday, my grandparents got me a Barbie and a stuffed animal.  The doll has long since found a new home, but the stuffed animal I still have and cherish.  That animal?  A little stuffed skunk.  At first I wasn't too sure about it but I grew to love it, partly because my grampa gave it to me.  Well, every time they would go somewhere, the would try and find me a skunk.  My sister's senior trip, she even brought me home a Pepe Le Pew.  Still have him too.  In 2000, they made another trek to Arizona and yes, they brought me back a little beanie skunk.  Unfortunately it was the last one I would receive from my beloved grampa... We lost him June 17th, 2000.  One week after my high school graduation that he missed because he was in Washoe.  The 22nd, we held services for him.  Jim Sanford, former editor of the Mason Valley News delivered a beautiful eulogy.  Uncle Johnny gave a nice speech.  But the parts that make the biggest impression on me were the people that were there and the way that we ended the church portion on the service.  The people, wow, there were a lot.  The entire catholic church was filled and there were even people braving the early summer heat by standing outside.  And the ending?  Take me out to the ball game.  He was a huge San Fransisco Giants fan.  That was part of the annual trips to Arizona.  Giants training camp.  As long as I can remember, they never missed a one.  It was tough, to watch them put this larger than life man into the ground and forever gone from my sight.  Just thinking about this is making me cry.  I haven't really thought about the burial part of the funeral for quite a few years..

Yesterday I got to see my dear sisterfriend Jennifer!  She and her hubby Aaron came in and got fishing licenses, some tackle and a cooler, in case they caught something.  Unfortunately they didn't.  But I was super glad to see her!! I miss seeing her..wish we lived closer, or at least had a bit more time to spend together...

My friend Jackie has been in town for a few months now and we have been hanging out together, watching movies, cooking dinners, and just sharing laughter.  Telling stories about our past relationships or what man we'd like to with, family members (human and animal) dilemmas and the like.  She is currently going back to school to get a degree in the study of the eye.  Don't remember exactly what it was but it sounds pretty interesting. 

So this is what has been going on with me the last while.  Other than no time with Tim, I have been spending more time with dear friends, having fun with them since he doesn't seem to want with me.  I love my friends for being there for me.  Without them, I don't know where my mental state would be.  So a thank you out to all of them!!!  You are my rocks!!

This father's day, I am going to Topaz and spending the day with him and our dogs.  This will be the first time Bailey has ever gone swimming in a lake.  She's been river swimming but this will be interesting to see how she reacts to the lake! I know it will be a good day.  Dad and I get along better when we aren't at work..