Sad Days...

Almost two weeks ago my dad passed away..  it was a quick trip home.

I thought it was just going home, check up on him, spend a little time with him, and fly back home to Bismarck.  Sadly that was not the case.  We found out the Monday before I flew out that he had stage 4 cancer.  No one is sure where the cancer started but they did find a lump on his lung.  His original stay was due to the extreme pain he was in because of his hip.. 

Guess I'm still a little blown away by this all.  Its weird that he's gone, he was still fairly young... only 68 years old. 

I just read my sister's blog and now all I can do is cry.  Because I feel similarly to her.   Am I making him proud?  Does he know how much he's loved and missed?  She has it much harder than me, she's surrounded by everything that reminds her of him, everything that is him.  He and I were never very close, not like sis and him.  Our relationship was much different.  We did things, hung out occasionally, had dinner, played golf, we just did things.  I never really talked a whole lot with him.  It was just our relationship.  Its weird knowing I'm never going to get to have our stilted conversations, the "hi, how are you, how are things, how's the weather" conversations.  

I had a dream with him in it last night.  It was the kind where it was like real life and he and I were arguing because heaven forbid that he was wrong about anything.  Made me smile and sad at the same time, because I know I will never hear his voice again, except in my dreams, and even there, there is no guarantee that I will truly remember the timber...  tho we argued and disagreed (a lot), I will miss him, he is my dad, my first real hero..

Year 31

Soon I will be 31. This last year has been quite..not sure what the right word would be.  Its had its ups and also its down. My faith has definitely been tested.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world! Well maybe a couple things..I am human.  I lost what I thought could be something, many friends loves nose dived, a friend left for new adventures, an old one came back, dad had a heart attack, new baby niece, and my favorite: Ryan. He has made me happier than I have been in a long time.  Makes me smile when he's not around, I feel special to him. Beautiful too. 

Austin has become quite important to me also.  He is one of a kind that kid. He's straight forward and sees things in fairly black and white. After dealing with adults that your not sure about their honesty, he's a breath of fresh air!

Dad's heart attack scared me beyond belief.. I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for my friends and loved ones.  If I had lost him...that's an image I don't care to think about.

My newest niece was born in February, I can hardly wait to meet her!! My sister and her family are moving back. That alone is going to be an adventure for her and I working together.

Here's to number 31! May it bring many happy adventures and much love to me, Ryan, and all my beloveds!

Holiday Season...

As I read my sister's blog, I am saddened with the uncertainty of her working future.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  She's a hero to me, the type of person I wouldn't mind being like.  I wish that there was something I could do to help her out but her being in Portland and myself being here, well, makes that rather difficult...and my finances are a little strapped currently.  My heart and prayers go out to her and her little family that she receives a holiday miracle.  Love you sis..

She shared some memories of our childhood, fond memories that I had completely forgotten about.  The winter nights we spent up at Topaz with our grandparents.  I loved those times.  I learned so much from the years we spent there growing up.  One being the importance of sunscreen..I received the worst sunburn of my life there.  Also the major importance of wearing helmets.  Cheryl and I were cruising around the countryside, and we ended up on a rode a little too narrow for our Yamaha Moto4, and down this hill we went.  As usual I end up with just scrapes and Cher is the one bleeding.  How I managed with no bleeding wounds is still beyond me.  Well we manage to walk back to the house and get grandpa and grandma and we get the 4 wheeler back to the property, no worse for wear.  I think it fared better than we did.  Remember sis?

There was the one Christmas that was the last time my Gramma Jeanne came down.  It was wonderful to have her visit.  At 7, she was the coolest gramma in the world.   Learning more about her over the years as I became an adult myself, she still is an amazing woman.  But that's another blog.  I want to tell this story but as per usual, I'm not sure how to start it.  So I'll just start with that day.  It was December 26th.  Mom, Cheryl, and I were taking my grandma to the airport so she could fly back to Seattle.  Unfortunately the 3 of us didn't make it.  (Gramma did, my uncle and aunt got her to the airport.)  Right outside of town on McLeod Hill, mom rolled the van we were in.  Mom was reaching for something on the dash (yes, she was driving) and drifted onto to shoulder, she over corrected, once, twice hitting that soft gravel yet again but this time it sent the van rolling.  We landed tire-side down.  It was a miracle that the swerving didn't happen seconds later, because coming up the other side was a hay truck.  We would've been mere memories in the lives of the people who knew and loved us.  And I was really lucky to walk away with nothing more than seat belt burns.  If the rolling had taken place any sooner, I wouldn't be who I am, because I had just sat back down literally seconds before the van ended up upside down.  That was almost 22 years ago now.

Good memories of the holidays always included being around family, my grampa in particular, just because I loved (and still do) him so.  The first Christmas without him was tough on all of us.  He was such a integral part of the festivities, that we were almost lost with out him.  He had passed the carving of the ham or turkey on to dad long before but it was his job, as patriarch of the family, to slice the holiday pies.  I still think it should be his job, but he is no longer here so that had to be passed to someone.  We all take turns.

It brings to mind the Christmas Cheryl fed our old lab Sparkie pecan pie off our dad's china and our grandmother's silver.  I did get a picture, tho when I took it I was afraid that it wasn't going to come out since I was laughing so hard.  Man, gramma and mom were very very angry!  The rest of our family laughed with us, but not those two!  Mom laughs about it now, for it is a fond Christmas memory since the dog is no longer with us either..

This holiday is the start of something new too.  Since the breakup, I have found someone new.  Justin.  He's absolutely amazing. Not that Tim wasn't, he was just different.  He treats me like I'm something utterly special.  I know, I know, cheesy to say, and I am special.  Its just nice to be shown so, you know?  I know a person can't complete me but I feel great when we are together.  He makes me smile just thinking about him.. Like now. (:

If I don't write before the 25th, Merry Christmas to you all.  I treasure you in ways that I cannot explain.  Thank you for being my friends, my family, my life!