Sad Days...

Almost two weeks ago my dad passed away..  it was a quick trip home.

I thought it was just going home, check up on him, spend a little time with him, and fly back home to Bismarck.  Sadly that was not the case.  We found out the Monday before I flew out that he had stage 4 cancer.  No one is sure where the cancer started but they did find a lump on his lung.  His original stay was due to the extreme pain he was in because of his hip.. 

Guess I'm still a little blown away by this all.  Its weird that he's gone, he was still fairly young... only 68 years old. 

I just read my sister's blog and now all I can do is cry.  Because I feel similarly to her.   Am I making him proud?  Does he know how much he's loved and missed?  She has it much harder than me, she's surrounded by everything that reminds her of him, everything that is him.  He and I were never very close, not like sis and him.  Our relationship was much different.  We did things, hung out occasionally, had dinner, played golf, we just did things.  I never really talked a whole lot with him.  It was just our relationship.  Its weird knowing I'm never going to get to have our stilted conversations, the "hi, how are you, how are things, how's the weather" conversations.  

I had a dream with him in it last night.  It was the kind where it was like real life and he and I were arguing because heaven forbid that he was wrong about anything.  Made me smile and sad at the same time, because I know I will never hear his voice again, except in my dreams, and even there, there is no guarantee that I will truly remember the timber...  tho we argued and disagreed (a lot), I will miss him, he is my dad, my first real hero..

memories...

As graduation looms upon us, I think about my own 11 years ago.

My last week is a bit of a blur.  Finals taking up most of my week, Friday was the day that me and my friends all looked forward to, for we would be outta there come Saturday.  I, like most of my classmates, were ready to get out and move on with our lives.  Some starting full time jobs, many off to college.  It was a sad event as well as a happy time, for my grandpa was in Washoe Med going on something like day 10.  He had broken his neck climbing through the beloved lake house's kitchen window, slipping on the sink.  I wonder what might've been had I been there, had he not climbed through the window.  Would my life be different?  Would I have come back to my home town?  What would I be doing instead of this?  Would he still be here?  These questions have run thru my head possibly millions of times over the last decade, but the answer is always the same...I don't know.  God only does, only does He know where my path will lead me. 

My plans after high school were to go to college, get my teaching degree so I could teach 2nd grade (because I love kids), meanwhile falling in love with my college sweetheart, after we both graduate, get married, and then start a family a little ways down the road.  But those plans changed.  I told my dad I would move home after graduation and help him out with my gramma.  She was still taking it hard 3 years after Grampa's death.   So there went my plans.  Also didn't help I was rather annoyed that I had to take advance maths and English to teach elementary school kids.  I know, the degree is technically a K-12 degree but still, they should break it down to elementary and middle/high school degrees.  But that's another topic all together.  So home I came.  Renewed some old acquaintances, made some new ones, fell in love.. Many years have gone by.  I've lost many loved ones.  My Grampa's brother and sister-in-law Uncle Joe and  Aunt Annabelle, my gramma, my gramma's brother Uncle Dorman, and my beloved nun aunties, Carolyn and Fidelis.  And thats just to name a few.  Happiness happed too.  I had met my boyfriend Tim, my sister got married to my wonderful brother Jay and they had my beautiful neice Brynn.  Now I look forward to the day that I get to have my own kids, whenever that might happen. I hope its sooner rather than later though, I'd really like to be able to chase after them and not be tired when I catch them! hahahahaha