Life

Here it is.  Another Monday.  I should be doing something.  Maybe I will later, but for now, I write.

Much has happened.  Nothing has happened.  I know, I'm being vague but that is just how I feel lately.  I feel very out of sorts.

Many people I know are pregnant, having babies, getting married, or just in a new relationship.  Its the feeling of being alone in a crowded room. I feel like I am failing at something...even though I am not.  Sure feels like it too.

Becoming a mom has been my life dream since I was six.  So being thirty and no closer to that than I was then. It depresses me.  *sigh*

On a upper note, Saturday night I spent a night out with my friend Nikki.  Unfortunately she had to leave early.  I stuck around for a couple more hours with my friend Sansa and her sister in law whose name I can't remember.  She was a very nice girl.  Had fun chatting with her.

Currently I am seeing no one.  Seems like the guys I have gone out with are just interested in one thing.  Yeah that's great and all but I am looking for a bit more than that.  A lot more than just that.  Just ready to give up on the dating scene and just be for a while.

No matter how lonely you get or how many birth announcements you receive, the trick is not to get frightened. There's nothing wrong with being alone.

Wendy Wasserstein (1950 - 2005), Isn't It Romantic, 1983

Let the day bring something good, certainly couldn't hurt right..

30: month one

It has been almost one month since I turned the dirty 30 as people say.  This Saturday my dear friend Erin is getting married and I am still dateless for the celebration.  Its looking more and more like I might be taking my mother to the wedding.  *sigh*  Unless I man up and just ask someone.  Well one someone in particular.  I'm really considering my friend John.  He's funny, a blast to hang out with, and pretty easy on the eyes. *insert chuckle here*  Sadly I don't know why I'm so afraid to ask him.  He's a great person, even if he couldn't go, I can say I tried right?  Then I'm also back at square one... What to do what to do....  Tho this is to be a happy time, I'm a bit sad...I kinda wish it was me... I'd love to be getting married, starting my family, a new life with my husband...but alas it is not in my cards for the time being.  I will put on my happy face, celebrate with the happy newlyweds, and toast to new beginnings!

The big 3-0

Thursday marks my 30th year on this great big world we call Earth.  Hard to believe I will be 30... I pictured myself in a very different spot in my life.  A spot where I was happily married, 2 kids, couple pet...you know the american dream.  Sadly I am not.  But I will not look poorly upon it, for God has to have a great plan in store for me!!

Found out also my dearest friend Melissa will be leaving here and be taking her family to Utah.  Her dad was in an accident and has irreversible brain damage.  She's going to take care of him.  She's going for a very important reason, makes us both sad none-the-less.  We've been lucky in our friendship..never had any major fights, blowouts, strains.  But I guess this is our test, to see if we as friends will make it work.  I believe it will.  I have never had a friend that I could talk to, trust as much as and as quickly as I did her.  But then again, Joey did choose her, I think that might have had something to do with it.

We spent all of Sunday just talking.  Talking about her move, talking about how sad we were to be parting ways, important things, inane things and all things between. It was a first for both of us, to hang out without her wonderful little ones running around.  Oh how I will miss her and the family!

Also tonight, as I was dropping of Roberta after we went grocery shopping, I noticed something on my car... red paint on my read right tire.  Then I notice the spatter along the whole bottom on that side of the car.. FML.. that just sucked...Looks like with a stiff brush and soapy water, should come off...I hope....

Tomorrow night I will be celebrating with my mom and Roberta and hopefully Melissa will be joining us!  Here's to a new day and my last day at 29...  Here's to 30 and what the possibilities it will bring me!!!

wowee wow wow

Well much has happened in the last month, hence no recent blogs. 

First off on a bit of a high note.  Started hanging out with a new guy.  Not sure what we are yet, but I do enjoy spending time with him, he makes me laugh.  I really like him (yeah high school-clichey here but its how I feel..) and I get the impression he feels very similar.  Just afraid to ask.  Lately I haven't had a good track record with men.. (Justin comes to mind....loser.)  I really enjoy spending time with him and just hanging out with him.  I'd love to spend more time with him and him living here in my hometown makes it easy when we do.  Who knows, just got to let God work in His mysterious ways and be patient (tho its never been an easy virtue for me to deal with, being rather impatient when its something I really, REALLY want).

Secondly, my father is currently still recovering from his bout with double pnuemonia.  Yes, double.  He'd fallen and while recovering at home, he'd slept, flat on his back, for 48 hours.  Fluid built up, breathing became very shallow.  Thankfully my wonderful aunt, she called and got him to the hospital in time.  I will love her forever for this.  He was very close to dying.  I don't know what I'd do if he had...I really don't want to... On a good note tho is that my sister and neice are coming down to visit us! I can hardly wait to see them!!  I wish she lived closer so I could spoil!! 

Good note, my dear friend Jackie and I are going to town to go to the movies.  We plan on seeing The Hunger Games.  I've read all three books in the series before of the inkling of a movie.  Now that that has happened, I'm excited to see how it compares since the author of the books actually co-wrote the screenplan and chose the actress that plays Katniss.  Yay! So excited for Monday!!!

happy times and a bit of sadness.

Once again I've met someone, but I've met him before.  We first met at our friend Gary's bbq back in August.  Well in the last couple of weeks, we've been hanging out.  Unfortunatly, he went of  the radar for about 4 days.  I got really concerned...wondering what was going on with him.  He called today.  He apologized for not getting back to me, he wasn't meaning to ignore.  He told me about what was going on with his dad.  His dad's cancer is really starting to hit hard and not sure how much longer he's going to be around...  I about cried when he told me about it..my heart aches for him. 

So my dear friends, I ask you to pray for his dad, and for him the strength to help him thru this...

here we go again...

Uncle Kracker Livin' the Dream

Once again I am single.  In this case, its not so bad.  No broken heart, no hopes and dreams dashed, nada.  As sweet a person as Justin was, we just viewed what was important differently.  I figured hanging out, spending time together was important.  Him, sex.  Sure I enjoy it, but really? Thats all that seemed to be on his mind.  I know I know, cliche right?  But I want more out of a relationship than just physicality.  I want that warm fuzzy feeling, that feeling that you know its just right.  Truthfully, I never had that with him.  He was a stepping stone back out into the dating pool.  He showed me that I am not fully ready for a serious relationship right now.  My wounds were still healing.  And to some extent, they still are.  I will treasure the fun I had with him.  I also know more about myself.  Like, tho I enjoy sex, I am not addicted to it.  When the feelings are right, I will know.  I have also come to know that I need a bit more God in my life.  I know this now.  Yes I have my family and my friends but they can't always be there for me when I need them.  With God, He is always there.  So I've started reading my Bible more.  Whether it be my actual book or my kindle version.  I know I need to find someone who understands my wants, needs.  Who understands that I choose to be here in this little town I grew up in, be around people that I know and love, and I will leave when I am fully ready, not before. 

Anyhow, this is the lastest with me.  Not much else.  Just work.  I have good faith that when I am truely ready,the right man will come along and out of the blue and it will be just what was meant for me. :)

Reading material

So lately I've been on quite of a bit of a reading kick.  I've started reading about 5 or 7 books, not sure cuz some are on my kindle.  Finished about 2 of them and started reading another.  Oh and I also picked up a new book at the grocery store.  What? It was only 7 dollars...

One of the ones I've started reading is one I've read before.  Its Chicken Soup for the Father and Daughter's Soul. Yeah I'm one of them.  I've read quite a few of them.  They're great and they're easy reads.  I highly recommend them.  Anyhow back on topic.  This book, if you couldn't tell Chicken Soup for the Father and Daughter Soul is about the relationship and love of a father and daughter.  I reminisce about my own memories about my dad.

Now if you know him, he appears gruff, grouchy, and just plain ornery.  But that's just the surface.  He is really the best man any girl could ask for in a dad.  He is loving, kind, funny, and loyal.  I wouldn't trade him for all the money, all the jewels in the world.  He is priceless.  No matter what his daughters get themselves into, he will always try to help the out.  He doesn't want to see us fail.  One of the nicest things I heard from my dad was said not too many years ago.  I had heard that he had said that I have gained and become quite knowledgeable about the store.  Well, it was something along those lines...the original comment made me choke up and cry.  Was a wonderful thing.  For a man like him to say that, a man that doesn't share feelings overly well till recently, spoke volumes. 

Another memory is on a little further back...and more a multitude of memorable moments.  I love traveling with my dad.  He's really laid back.  Plus when its just me and him, I feel more comfortable talking to him.  There are still some things I don't share with him, in the last 6 or so years, I do share more than what we had when I was a kid and teen. 

Dad connected with a couple cousins that he didn't know existed.  One, she lived in Florida.  Debby and dad really clicked.  He went down to visit her back in October 2010.  They talked constantly, emailed.  Then one day, dad didn't hear from her.  I really bothered him.  Understandably so.  We only found out recently what happened...she died...less that 60, I think she was barely even in her 50s...  I don't remember her brother's name, so I'll call him cousin, but dad reconnected with him.  Christmas Day he called cousin.  He and dad shared an emotionally charged conversation.  He was really hurtin' (cousin) that this was his first holiday without his sister.  The two men have made plans to get together and meet.  Was a wonderful Christmas on that respect.  *smile*

I love my dad.  I truly, truly dread the day that he is no longer here.. He is a one of a kind man, with a truly kind and generous soul.  Doing thing because the NEED to be done, not because they want the attention for doing so.  Grandpa raised him well.  The world will be a darker place when he is not down the street, not cracking it up at Ace..