Fear and Faith

Never had I been so scared of my feelings as I had been the last 24 hours.  Last night I had gone with my boyfriend Ryan, his son Austin, his girlfriend Paige, and their friend Brendan to a Pop-Warner football game.    Well, we were all having a good time, third period comes along.  Austin goes down and isn't getting back up, can't breath.  Ambulance is called and Ryan (understandably) is scared.  Who wouldn't be?  Your kid can't breath and is in immense pain and there is nothing you can do.  Possible broken rib.  Come to find out the opposing team was singling him out.  How terrible that adults are doing that to kids.  First teaching them that winning is everything, then telling them to do that at all costs.  I still am upset at those coaches.  Anyhow, at the hospital come to find out that he fractured the tip of one of the ribs.  Coach tells us he's done for the season.  Talking to football moms that came to check on the 3 of the 4 kids that are at the hospital, she was telling us that she overheard the opposing team talking to their coach about their KEVLAR pads!!!! Really? Your 13-14 years old and playing with pro quality gear.  Our kids didn't stand a chance!  Grrr!  Again, back to our story.  This morning I was scared.  I mean I didn't know how to feel or react to anything that has just happened to me.  Yes, granted it isn't the first visit to the hospital I've made with a boyfriend and his child, but this felt different.  Still not really sure how.  Ryan and I talked for a while this morning about everything that happened 12 hours prior.   He was very understanding about how scared I was feeling.  Now I head off to work.  I talk to Josh about what happened with Austin.  He told me that he had experienced something similar while playing Pop-Warner himself.  Mentally this made me feel a bit better.  Then I received a text from Ryan that made me smile.  That clinched it.  I knew I was going to be ok.  My faith was stronger than my fear.  I came home at lunch and talked to him some more about events.  He told me something that made me very happy.  He told me that when he was on the field with Austin, the coaches, and medical staff, Ryan told me that while he was checking on Austin, he had also been looking around to see where I was at.  Me. Girlfriend of less than 3 months.  Honestly, like he told me, I didn't know I would fall so hard and so quick for him.  I am glad he and I are together.

Wonderful feelings abound

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides

David Viscott, 1974

Since the last entry almost 3 months ago, I have met someone who I'm completely head over heels for.  He makes me feel completely wanted and happy.  His name is Ryan.  Retired Navy, he's been around the world and I love to hear him talk about it.  We've even talked of places that we'd like to visit together.  So much to tell but not sure where to even start!  He's a wonderful man.  Probably one of the most wonderful people I've met in a long time.  To begin with we have similar personalities.  Goofy, off the wall, twisted.  We enjoy being home-bodies, dancing, laughing, telling bad jokes, and sharing music.  We talk daily, sometimes for hours.  Send each other little messages through out the day.  Much wonderous feelings abound!!!   He treats me very well.  Cheers me up when feeling down, compliments me almost daily, makes me laugh constantly.  With him I feel very content.  We don't see each other as often as we like (he lives an hour away), we do make the best of our time together.  We talk, snuggle, watch tv, do all those couply things that couples do.  So nice.  I love being with him

Life

Here it is.  Another Monday.  I should be doing something.  Maybe I will later, but for now, I write.

Much has happened.  Nothing has happened.  I know, I'm being vague but that is just how I feel lately.  I feel very out of sorts.

Many people I know are pregnant, having babies, getting married, or just in a new relationship.  Its the feeling of being alone in a crowded room. I feel like I am failing at something...even though I am not.  Sure feels like it too.

Becoming a mom has been my life dream since I was six.  So being thirty and no closer to that than I was then. It depresses me.  *sigh*

On a upper note, Saturday night I spent a night out with my friend Nikki.  Unfortunately she had to leave early.  I stuck around for a couple more hours with my friend Sansa and her sister in law whose name I can't remember.  She was a very nice girl.  Had fun chatting with her.

Currently I am seeing no one.  Seems like the guys I have gone out with are just interested in one thing.  Yeah that's great and all but I am looking for a bit more than that.  A lot more than just that.  Just ready to give up on the dating scene and just be for a while.

No matter how lonely you get or how many birth announcements you receive, the trick is not to get frightened. There's nothing wrong with being alone.

Wendy Wasserstein (1950 - 2005), Isn't It Romantic, 1983

Let the day bring something good, certainly couldn't hurt right..

30: month one

It has been almost one month since I turned the dirty 30 as people say.  This Saturday my dear friend Erin is getting married and I am still dateless for the celebration.  Its looking more and more like I might be taking my mother to the wedding.  *sigh*  Unless I man up and just ask someone.  Well one someone in particular.  I'm really considering my friend John.  He's funny, a blast to hang out with, and pretty easy on the eyes. *insert chuckle here*  Sadly I don't know why I'm so afraid to ask him.  He's a great person, even if he couldn't go, I can say I tried right?  Then I'm also back at square one... What to do what to do....  Tho this is to be a happy time, I'm a bit sad...I kinda wish it was me... I'd love to be getting married, starting my family, a new life with my husband...but alas it is not in my cards for the time being.  I will put on my happy face, celebrate with the happy newlyweds, and toast to new beginnings!

The big 3-0

Thursday marks my 30th year on this great big world we call Earth.  Hard to believe I will be 30... I pictured myself in a very different spot in my life.  A spot where I was happily married, 2 kids, couple pet...you know the american dream.  Sadly I am not.  But I will not look poorly upon it, for God has to have a great plan in store for me!!

Found out also my dearest friend Melissa will be leaving here and be taking her family to Utah.  Her dad was in an accident and has irreversible brain damage.  She's going to take care of him.  She's going for a very important reason, makes us both sad none-the-less.  We've been lucky in our friendship..never had any major fights, blowouts, strains.  But I guess this is our test, to see if we as friends will make it work.  I believe it will.  I have never had a friend that I could talk to, trust as much as and as quickly as I did her.  But then again, Joey did choose her, I think that might have had something to do with it.

We spent all of Sunday just talking.  Talking about her move, talking about how sad we were to be parting ways, important things, inane things and all things between. It was a first for both of us, to hang out without her wonderful little ones running around.  Oh how I will miss her and the family!

Also tonight, as I was dropping of Roberta after we went grocery shopping, I noticed something on my car... red paint on my read right tire.  Then I notice the spatter along the whole bottom on that side of the car.. FML.. that just sucked...Looks like with a stiff brush and soapy water, should come off...I hope....

Tomorrow night I will be celebrating with my mom and Roberta and hopefully Melissa will be joining us!  Here's to a new day and my last day at 29...  Here's to 30 and what the possibilities it will bring me!!!

wowee wow wow

Well much has happened in the last month, hence no recent blogs. 

First off on a bit of a high note.  Started hanging out with a new guy.  Not sure what we are yet, but I do enjoy spending time with him, he makes me laugh.  I really like him (yeah high school-clichey here but its how I feel..) and I get the impression he feels very similar.  Just afraid to ask.  Lately I haven't had a good track record with men.. (Justin comes to mind....loser.)  I really enjoy spending time with him and just hanging out with him.  I'd love to spend more time with him and him living here in my hometown makes it easy when we do.  Who knows, just got to let God work in His mysterious ways and be patient (tho its never been an easy virtue for me to deal with, being rather impatient when its something I really, REALLY want).

Secondly, my father is currently still recovering from his bout with double pnuemonia.  Yes, double.  He'd fallen and while recovering at home, he'd slept, flat on his back, for 48 hours.  Fluid built up, breathing became very shallow.  Thankfully my wonderful aunt, she called and got him to the hospital in time.  I will love her forever for this.  He was very close to dying.  I don't know what I'd do if he had...I really don't want to... On a good note tho is that my sister and neice are coming down to visit us! I can hardly wait to see them!!  I wish she lived closer so I could spoil!! 

Good note, my dear friend Jackie and I are going to town to go to the movies.  We plan on seeing The Hunger Games.  I've read all three books in the series before of the inkling of a movie.  Now that that has happened, I'm excited to see how it compares since the author of the books actually co-wrote the screenplan and chose the actress that plays Katniss.  Yay! So excited for Monday!!!

happy times and a bit of sadness.

Once again I've met someone, but I've met him before.  We first met at our friend Gary's bbq back in August.  Well in the last couple of weeks, we've been hanging out.  Unfortunatly, he went of  the radar for about 4 days.  I got really concerned...wondering what was going on with him.  He called today.  He apologized for not getting back to me, he wasn't meaning to ignore.  He told me about what was going on with his dad.  His dad's cancer is really starting to hit hard and not sure how much longer he's going to be around...  I about cried when he told me about it..my heart aches for him. 

So my dear friends, I ask you to pray for his dad, and for him the strength to help him thru this...